Your Game SUCKS!
...and here's why
Welcome to my newest feature for my blog, 'Your Game SUCKS!'. Here I'll take popular games, which I myself may or may not enjoy, and heavily criticize them for anything and everything I can.
Please don't hurt me.
Without further ado, the first game to be bashed,
Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
Here I am, the disc to the newest installment in the critically-acclaimed Guitar Hero franchise spinning in my Playstation 3, wit ha plastic, sticker-laden wireless guitar being held in my hands so that I may escape from my nerdy, often-ridiculed life and ascend to being a pixelated rock god.
As the game loads, my eyes are treated to images of macho, long-haired guitarists wailing away, as mindless guitar solos attack my ears. I get to the Main Menu- a cluttered list of modes and options with a static backdrop of what I assume is supposed to be some guitar gods. Very cliché, and in need of improvement.
Since I'm a lonely chap with a lot of spare time, I decide to begin Career mode. To begin this lackluster tour to nowhere, I have to choose a band name- The Hotties- and then choose a guitarist. Oh gosh, it's so hard to choose from such a colorful roster of misfits! From the plump, Jack Black-lookalike Axel Steel to the twelve-year-old, J-Rock Midori, this roster couldn't have been worse.
Much like guitarists in real life, the beginning doesn't look too promising- a campy animated cutscene kicks the game off, detracting from the experience simply because the game's sad attempts at humor make me sigh in frustration, and once I skip the remainder of the scene, I'm treated to a terrible opening song list with songs ranging from boring, droning, campfire sing-along 'Story of my Life' to the groan-worthy 'Slow Ride'.
I finally select the first song I'm supposed to play and 'enjoy', and lo-and-behold, I'm thrown into a backyard venue that looks worse than New Orleans after Katrina. I begin to play, and it's moderately tolerable until...oh? What is this? I'm clearly hitting the notes, yet the game doesn't recognize it. Seems I have to calibrate the audio/video/controller lag, further distracting from the supposedly immersive experience (Unless this is the game's equivalent to tuning your guitar, in which case it recreates the boring process perfectly).
Once I make the game playable again, I go back and redo my song. I continue to play through the game, realizing the much-applauded and improved graphics engine still had its fair share of plain textures, jaggies, and of course, robotic and stiff character movement. Why is it that my band looks like a group of traveling bums? A drummer with a perpetual look of stupidity, a bassist who's never heard of scissors, and a stranger with a face not even a mother could love.
As I play on, I face many more issues- the Star Power enjoys activating itself at the slightest twitch of my hand, the wireless controller enjoys not syncing correctly and not matching button presses, the venues continue to suck (ranging from a run-down bar to freaking Hell itself. Why, tell me please, why would you play in Hell? Look, I don't care if you signed a deal with an anime Satan with bad hair, if you're playing for the dead in hell, you must suck).
Of course, the entire game experience is based on the wonderful (*cough*) music you get to recreate. Fantastic ideas, folks, now can someone please tell me why I'm playing the mind-numbingly boring 'The Seeker' by The Who in a game that's supposed to rock? Not to mention as the game continues, it gets ridiculously difficult as you're forced to play plenty of metal songs. I haven't heard a soundtrack this bad since watching High School Musical.
Like others, I was excited to try out the new guitar duels that were all-the-rage. Of course, these weren't used to their full advantage. Instead of being treated to an epic battle of raging guitars fit to bring me to my knees, I'm found playing regular songs, sans Star Power. Perhaps it's actually good that there's only three in the game, since they're nothing all that special and instead require you to play an extra song (Oh, the torture).
Once thoroughly analyzed, it's evident that Guitar Hero III is just another colossal failure. And that was just after the Career Mode.
Cheers,
phampok
As the game loads, my eyes are treated to images of macho, long-haired guitarists wailing away, as mindless guitar solos attack my ears. I get to the Main Menu- a cluttered list of modes and options with a static backdrop of what I assume is supposed to be some guitar gods. Very cliché, and in need of improvement.
Since I'm a lonely chap with a lot of spare time, I decide to begin Career mode. To begin this lackluster tour to nowhere, I have to choose a band name- The Hotties- and then choose a guitarist. Oh gosh, it's so hard to choose from such a colorful roster of misfits! From the plump, Jack Black-lookalike Axel Steel to the twelve-year-old, J-Rock Midori, this roster couldn't have been worse.
Much like guitarists in real life, the beginning doesn't look too promising- a campy animated cutscene kicks the game off, detracting from the experience simply because the game's sad attempts at humor make me sigh in frustration, and once I skip the remainder of the scene, I'm treated to a terrible opening song list with songs ranging from boring, droning, campfire sing-along 'Story of my Life' to the groan-worthy 'Slow Ride'.
I finally select the first song I'm supposed to play and 'enjoy', and lo-and-behold, I'm thrown into a backyard venue that looks worse than New Orleans after Katrina. I begin to play, and it's moderately tolerable until...oh? What is this? I'm clearly hitting the notes, yet the game doesn't recognize it. Seems I have to calibrate the audio/video/controller lag, further distracting from the supposedly immersive experience (Unless this is the game's equivalent to tuning your guitar, in which case it recreates the boring process perfectly).
Once I make the game playable again, I go back and redo my song. I continue to play through the game, realizing the much-applauded and improved graphics engine still had its fair share of plain textures, jaggies, and of course, robotic and stiff character movement. Why is it that my band looks like a group of traveling bums? A drummer with a perpetual look of stupidity, a bassist who's never heard of scissors, and a stranger with a face not even a mother could love.
As I play on, I face many more issues- the Star Power enjoys activating itself at the slightest twitch of my hand, the wireless controller enjoys not syncing correctly and not matching button presses, the venues continue to suck (ranging from a run-down bar to freaking Hell itself. Why, tell me please, why would you play in Hell? Look, I don't care if you signed a deal with an anime Satan with bad hair, if you're playing for the dead in hell, you must suck).
Of course, the entire game experience is based on the wonderful (*cough*) music you get to recreate. Fantastic ideas, folks, now can someone please tell me why I'm playing the mind-numbingly boring 'The Seeker' by The Who in a game that's supposed to rock? Not to mention as the game continues, it gets ridiculously difficult as you're forced to play plenty of metal songs. I haven't heard a soundtrack this bad since watching High School Musical.
Like others, I was excited to try out the new guitar duels that were all-the-rage. Of course, these weren't used to their full advantage. Instead of being treated to an epic battle of raging guitars fit to bring me to my knees, I'm found playing regular songs, sans Star Power. Perhaps it's actually good that there's only three in the game, since they're nothing all that special and instead require you to play an extra song (Oh, the torture).
Once thoroughly analyzed, it's evident that Guitar Hero III is just another colossal failure. And that was just after the Career Mode.
Cheers,
phampok
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